Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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