Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
