i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
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In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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