This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
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Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my poor anus
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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