If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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