Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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