genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
NoShamevember. You game?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
