8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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