How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
