I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
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This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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