I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You left your phone here
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