i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
