i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to calm my uterus...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
