i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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