I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
