....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
