I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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