Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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