My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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