that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
