she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
