hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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