Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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