He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
