shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
