Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
