Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
