She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
