While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
