I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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