Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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