Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
