Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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