Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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