this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
