we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
