They should really pass out barf bags in church
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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