my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
