Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
