We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
