Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
