i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
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he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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