Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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