he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
