The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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