I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
