the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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