just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
