Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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