Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
