Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
