This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
