I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
