I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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