awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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