I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
