HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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