Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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