You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
